Getting Older

         I just turned 23 and have no idea what I'm doing with my life. Obviously I know I'm not alone with this feeling, it can just be really hard to navigate and I wanted to write about why I'm struggling, without judgement or feeling guilty.  A lot of it has to do with feeling left behind or like I'm failing at life - due to comparing myself to others. This doesn't mean I'm any less proud of the people in my life for all they've accomplished, it just means I'm not quite there yet.

        To start with something easier, I'm so alone. I feel like my whole life has been a revolving door of people, nobody ever stays. This can make it hard to be in a relationship as I always feel like the other person is moments away from leaving. One wrong thing said or something stupid is done and they'll be gone. Seeing my friends getting married and reaching big milestones with their significant others, as happy as I am for them, it's almost like a slap in the face. Life is reminding me that I won't find someone, or that my brain won't allow me to be happy with someone else.

My closest childhood friend just announced her second pregnancy and I couldn't be happier for her and the family. This is a true reminder though that the longer time goes by, the older I get, the further people around me are getting in their lives, yet I'm still stuck in the same place I was 5 years ago.

All over my social media, I see people I grew up with, went to school with, etc. all achieving amazing things in life and being so happy with the people they've surrounded themselves with. I have seen countless people get engaged and married. My sister even got engaged! After so many abusive relationships, she found someone who really helps her shine and who is a genuinely good guy. She has asked me to be her maid of honor and OF COURSE I said yes!!! 

There is a twinge of pain in me that doesn't believe I'll ever find my person like everybody else is.

        Now onto the second thing that gets me feeling anxious as I get older... So many people are getting into their dream jobs now or having actual careers, finishing secondary school and doing what they really want to. Yet I can't bring myself to go back to school and do anything. I would like to be a teacher but I feel my brain just can't make it through the schooling necessary. Given how expensive school can be, I don't want to go and not give it my all. I also don't want to do my best and instantly flunk. Because then, not only will I feel like a failure, but I will also feel like I wasted time. The other option I've decided to go with, is interior design. The online course is what I want to do and it's only $2000 but it's a matter of actually saving my money and applying myself to my future. Until then, I'm still a receptionist.

It just feels like the more years that go by, the less I'm achieving and the more I watch other people succeed. I know my life is in my own hands and I'm doing it to myself, the anxiety can just be a bit overwhelming at times.

       The third and final thing I will talk about that gets harder as I get older, is the feeling of nowhere to go. I know I shouldn't be here, realistically speaking. My first time trying to end my life, I was 9 years old and I've lost track of how many attempts there have been since. I never planned my life out this far, and the older I get, it's another reminder that I've made it through another year of simply living and not achieving anything. I don't want to be here either but there's nothing I can do about it, believe me, I've tried. I feel empty all the time. I had no expectations of life at this age because I was never supposed to be here this long. But, here I am. I have all these ideas of what I can do to make my life better, just absolutely no motivation. I'm stuck in a cycle of just trying to survive and gather the energy required for each day. 

        So that's about it. My big three. What scares me the most and causes more anxiety the older I get. Being alone, not achieving anything, and feeling lost in life essentially. This isn't stuff I've shared freely, I feel like if I talk about how other peoples success makes me feel (despite being happy for them), people may take it the wrong way. That's the last thing I would want. Having this outlet to really share what's on my mind will hopefully be very therapeutic. Maybe there is some hope for me yet.